What If You Chose Yourself?

I often meet women in therapy who come in wanting to work on a relationship, a difficult life transition, or something heavy they have been carrying for a long time.

Sometimes they come in saying:

"I just want to make sure I've done everything I can."

"I want to make sure I've tried everything before I make a decision."

"I just need to figure out how to make this work."

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to make things work.

But sometimes, through therapy and honest reflection, the question begins to shift.

That shift is not a failure. It is not giving up. It is often the result of doing the real work — sitting with yourself long enough to hear what you actually think, feel, and need underneath all the noise.

Therapy is not about telling you whether to stay or leave, change careers, set a boundary, or take a leap of faith. That is not my job, and honestly, it is not what most people need.

What therapy can be is a space to reconnect with yourself. Underneath the expectations. Underneath the responsibilities. Underneath the relationships and the fear and the voice in your head that has been telling you what you should want for so long that you have stopped questioning it.

Choosing yourself does not always look dramatic. It rarely does.

Sometimes it looks like leaving a relationship that has stopped being safe or fulfilling.

Sometimes it looks like making a career change that terrifies you but feels more honest than staying.

Sometimes it looks like finally prioritizing your health after years of putting everyone else first.

Sometimes it looks like setting a boundary with someone you love, knowing they might not like it.

Sometimes it looks like giving yourself permission to want something different than what you have been told you should want.

And sometimes, choosing yourself simply means slowing down long enough to hear your own voice.

That last one is harder than it sounds.

There are a lot of reasons women in particular struggle to prioritize themselves. We are socialized from a young age to be caretakers, to smooth things over, to make sure everyone else is okay before we ask whether we are okay.

That is not a character flaw. It is a pattern that gets reinforced over and over again, in families, in relationships, in workplaces, in culture.

By the time many women come to therapy, they have been operating in that pattern for so long that they genuinely do not know what they want anymore. Not because they are broken, but because they have not had the space to ask.

Therapy can create that space.

When someone comes in focused entirely on fixing a situation or a relationship, I do not redirect them away from that. We start there. We look at it honestly.

But over time, as the work deepens, something tends to happen. The question changes.

It stops being "How do I get this to work?" and starts being "Is this actually what I want? Is this the life I am building on purpose, or the one I fell into?"

That is not a comfortable question. But it is often the most important one.

And the women who sit with it, who let themselves actually answer it, tend to find something on the other side that feels more like themselves than they have in a long time.

If you are reading this and thinking "I don't even know what I want" — that is okay. That is actually a really honest place to start.

You do not have to arrive at therapy with clarity. You do not have to know the answer before you begin. You just have to be willing to ask the question.

What if you chose yourself?

If you are ready to explore that question, I would be glad to be part of that process. Reach out here to get started with virtual therapy in Illinois.

Erica Tonn is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and ADHD-Certified Clinical Services Provider (ADHD-CCSP) offering telehealth therapy for adults throughout Illinois. She specializes in anxiety, ADHD, OCD, postpartum mental health, life transitions, and LGBTQIA+ affirming care.